2011.

these are some words that come to mind when I think about the past year:

firsts

lasts

laughs

pain

heartbreak

thankfulness

joy

relief

anxiety

happiness

friends 

Furman

family

hurt

opportunity

excitement

preparation

smiles

...those are just a few that came to mind right away. I am sure that I could think of a thousand more, as I'm sure you could looking back over this year. 

2011 was a hard year, a good year, a very happy year, but also a very emotional year. To sum it up, 2011 was a changing year. It was a year that I grew from what feels like a little freshmen in college to a big girl who is capable of doing big things. It was a year that my heart was broken and was put back together not by another boy but by my Heavenly Father who is the only One who knew how to do so. It was a year that I learned so much about myself. It was a year that I shared with some of the most amazing people on the planet. Seriously y'all, my friends are amazing. It was a year that I became closer to my family and it was a year that we all were changing, together. And finally, it was a year, that more than anything, changed me in a way that I cannot wait to see happens in 2012. I truly believe that THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)

confidence is key.

Confidence is key. How many times have you heard that one? Being an athlete, I think I have heard my fair share of pre-season, pre-game talks about confidence and how it can make or break a season or game. And that is SO true. Confidence is a game-changer. You wanna know the very best part about confidence? It is a choice.

I mentioned reading So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore in a previous post. Today, as I was reading, I was slapped right in the face by an entire chapter on having the power to choose. It is one of the most amazing parts about life (I think so, anyway). The whole point of the chapter was this: people will always be able to make us feel certain ways, however, it is up to me and you, our choice, as to how deep their words or actions effect us. Things people say may hurt our feelings, but their words don't have the power to touch our security, unless we allow it.

Psalm 29:11 says, "The Lord gives His people strength; the Lord grants His people security." How encouraging is it that God's desire is for His children to be secure and confident? It is so much His desire that He gives it to us. It is my choice to act on that gift and not suppress it. Beth Moore made a statement in this chapter that is so incredibly powerful. She said the secret to empowerment is this,

"We become empowered when we decide to be strong willed about what God strongly wills."

Take a minute and read that again. Ok, one more time. God strongly wills our confidence and security, it says so in the Bible. As soon as we CHOOSE to be strong willed about keeping our security and confidence, we are able to do so much more- more of what God desires for our life. 

Once you make the choice once, the second time becomes easier, the third time is easier, and each time after that is even easier. After that, it is an upward spiral to security and confidence. That doesn't mean that people aren't going to hurt you, intimidate you, or make you feel inadequate- because they will. It just means that they don't touch your security, because that part of you is rooted in the One that created you, in His own image. 

"Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised." -Hebrews 10:35-36

recap.

After one of the most stressful, hectic, and exhausting semesters I have ever had, it is finally Christmas Break. This semester has been a physical and emotional roller coaster, however, I can look back and say that I have learned more about myself and about God's direction for my life than I ever thought would be possible. 


Going into this semester I had a good many things about my life planned out- who am I kidding- I had it all planned out. I was going to be a high school biology teacher and softball coach, I was going to be married right out of college, and I would somehow be making enough money right out of college to do all this and support a very comfortable lifestyle. Uhhh, can you say reality check?!


You can imagine my distress when every single thing about my plan started to change. Over the course of 5 months I have decided that I no longer what to be a high school biology teacher, but I would rather teach elementary school. I no longer have my sights set on being married right out of college, but rather on pursuing Jesus with my whole heart and trusting in HIS timing when it comes to my relationships. And finally, I am understanding that graduating college and living comfortably aren't things that normally occur together. :) 


Change is so freaking scary, and along with many other adjectives, the past 5 months can most definitely be described as scary. I can now look back and say through all of that, though, I learned and am still learning who Hannah is, what makes Hannah happy, and who will make Hannah happy. 


I am so thankful for this break from school with family and friends. It is much needed and will be used to lots of rest, lots of eating, lots of fun, and lots of fellowship. I hope yours is filled with the same :)

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday today to the most amazing man in my life- My Daddy :) 

Also, Happy Birthday to the most perfect example of a Godly woman in my life- My Grandma :)

I love them both so incredibly much and am so incredibly blessed by their presence in my life.

...and to the ends of the earth.

Anyone that knows me or has talked to me for longer than five minutes knows that I am a scaredy-cat. I am scared of the dark, bad weather, being alone, my shadow, etc. Those things I listed are minor, like very simple, everyday things in life. You can imagine my fear of being away from my family for an extended period of time or flying halfway around the world. For a few years now, God has been calling me to face those fears and get involved in world missions and for a few years now, I have given him excuse after excuse. I have used softball taking up my summer as an excuse or not having the time or money to do what He has asked of me. My silly, incapable mind forgets that my God isn't limited by time or money and each time I have remembered this, I try to stifle the thought and push it to the back of my mind. I also often think that God doesn't want to use me in the way to better His kingdom. Clearly, I think too much and God wants me to stop it and just do what He has asked. 


So, with that in mind- less thinking, more acting- I am giving in. My brother has been to Romania for the past three summers on mission trips and upon returning every year, he asks me if I want to go with him the next summer. Each year I give him the shrug and a half-hearted "maybe." This year, however, I have told him yes, I want to go. I am scared out of my daggum mind but I am also SO dang excited about what God has planned for the children of Romania that we will work with and what God has planned for ME through this trip. There will be much more to come about this as the summer gets closer! :) 


Part of what helped me to make this decision was the sermon at church this past week. I attend Newspring Church and this past Sunday, the sermon was titled, "It's Not About Me." Harsh? Yes. True? Yes. The world is a huge place, and when I think about my size in comparison to the size of the world it is kind of a reality check. I am small, like really small. I am small enough that I shouldn't matter, but, God saw me (and you) as worth it, worth saving, worth mattering and He has an incredible plan to make life matter on a whole other level (Ephesians 3:20). Thank goodness I serve a God that amazing.

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit." -Matthew 28:19

Challenge Day

I had the amazing opportunity to participate in Challenge Day at JL Mann on Tuesday. If you have ever seen the show on MTV called "If You Really Knew Me," it is the same thing! The only word to describe it is amazing, and even that doesn't really do it any justice. 
The whole point of Challenge Day is to be able to be yourself, express your feelings, and learn that you are not alone in life, ever. It was a very emotional day but it was a refreshing one as well. 


The group was composed of 130 people; students, teachers, and people from the community. We started the day playing some games to get everyone used to each other and comfortable. As the day progressed, things got more serious and the topics we discussed got deeper. There were 2 activities that really were the most influential to me. The first was done in a small group of 6 people and we completed the sentence, "If you really knew me..." Wow, can you say emotional? Things were shared in my small group that those students had never told anyone. Heck, I told those students things I had never told anyone! It was amazing to see the relief on some of their faces when I shared that I struggle with insecurity or that they weren't the only person feeling "not good enough" or abandoned by someone close to them. And to be honest, it was a refreshing relief for me as well. 


The other activity that I liked was so powerful. It was called "Cross the Line." There were two lines on the floor and the leader would call out different categories. If the category pertained to you, you would cross the line. The scary part? Not knowing if you would be the only person to cross the line. The scary part? Vulnerability. The categories ranged anywhere from having lost someone close to you to having thoughts of suicide and feelings of inadequacy. The most powerful part of this exercise though was this, seeing that you did not cross the line alone. I saw that high school students, community people, and even teachers struggle with the same issues and have experienced some of the same pain in life. There was one category that got me, and I mean really got me. The leader said, "Cross the line if you have ever been teased, put down, or hurt by anyone IN THIS ROOM." Can you imagine the tension? I looked up and saw my little brother cross the line. As much as we joke and play and know that we love each other, there was something about seeing him cross that line and knowing that somewhere along the line, I had contributed to that. It changed the way I look at him and our relationship. It was so powerful.

Challenge Day exceeded my expectations in every way possible. I made new friends, and I grew closer to old friends. I learned that it is okay to express your feelings, matter of fact, it is healthy. I also learned that I am not alone in life, ever. There is someone, somewhere who feels like I do. And lastly, I learned that there are people that are around me every single day that are struggling and I may never know. How I treat them could make their day or break it. I could be the best part of their day or the worst. Everyone is fighting a battle, we just can't always see it. Be kind. 


I really think living life with this outlook will not only change the lives of people I come in contact with, it will change my life as well. The motto for Challenge Day is "Be the Change." So as a challenge to you and to myself, What are you going to do in order to "be the change?" 

home.

I am so happy that I go to school close enough to come home whenever I feel like it. And since I love my family and I love home, I feel like it quite often. As I sit here on the couch with my entire family, I am reminded, once again, how incredibly blessed I am. I have a mother who is my best friend, a father who is more supportive than anyone else I know, and a little brother who is the most caring and compassionate person I have ever met. 


And even as I sit here I am a little annoyed by the silly things they do, but I'm totally okay with it. Sometimes I want to come home because I miss my little brother getting on my nerves. I actually miss my mom asking me a million questions about every single thing in my life. And I miss mine and my Dad's identical personalities clashing every other conversation. Two years ago, I could not wait to go to college and get away- and now, I look for any reason to come home to these crazy, annoying, amazing, loving people. 

I am so thankful for their presence and impact in my life. I have a mama who has always taught me the value of hard work and the importance of encouragement, a positive attitude, and surrounding yourself with the right people. My daddy has always taught me to guard my heart and to be careful who I give it to. And my brother has taught me unconditional love. And together, we have seen and experienced the importance of centering every single relationship in each of our lives around Jesus Christ. 

Your family isn't yours by accident. Neither is mine. God blessed me with my mom, dad, and brother for a reason. He knew they were exactly what I would need to get through life and He knew that together we would do life. Would it always be easy? Heck no. But would it always be fun and totally worth it? Of course. 

"Other things may change us, but we start and end with family." -Anthony Brandt

How Great Thou Art :)

This video speaks for itself. One of my absolute favorites. Of all time. Ever...you get the point. :)

Welcome to Holland

This is a piece that we read in my education class today. While it pertains to raising a child with a disability, it really could apply to any area of life, especially when it comes to the plans we thought we had. Enjoy :) 




Welcome to Holland
Emily Perl Kingsley


I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.  It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum.  The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy!  I'm supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan.  They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.  It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place.  It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever  go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

identity.

I am reading a book by Beth Moore called So Long, Insecurity. It is an amazing book and I highly recommend it to anyone struggling with insecurity (which, let's be honest, is everyone) or a sense of purpose. 

The past few chapters have especially hit close to home for me and I thought they may be relevant enough to share. The book has talked about the roots of insecurity in our lives and where our feelings of inadequacy come from. While there are a so many places insecurity comes from, pride is one of the greatest roots of all insecurity. A lack of pride will cause insecurity in ourselves quicker than anything else and it will cause us to look at others through eyes that have a filter over them that somehow relates everything back to "ME." 

Pride and Identity have a direct relationship. Our identity often times is a result of our own pride- what we do well, when we feel we look our best, etc. If I base my identity on my pride and things I am prideful in or about, my identity will undoubtedly be a freaking rollercoaster. Let's face it- there are days when I don't feel I look my best and there are days when I feel like I do nothing very well. On those days, my pride suffers. On those days, my identity is lost. 

 In the book, Beth Moore makes a great connection between Genesis 1:27 and Ecclesiastes 3:11. 

Genesis 1:27 says that God created man in His own image. (which is perfect, by the way).

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that God set eternity in the hearts of men.

Since we are created in the image of God, and we have eternity set in our hearts, we have something inside of us, a desire, that knows we are made for something more. Something enormous. 

Beth Moore goes on to say "Pride is the result of mistaking the eternal for the temporal." 

Wow....our pride SO gets in the way of what God wants to do in our lives. Pride causes us to focus on our selves more than God. When we focus on ourselves more than God, we have a false sense of identity. The false identity focuses on the temporal. The true identity focuses on the eternal. 

"Confidence is driven by the certainty of God-given identity and the conviction that nothing can take that identity away."

Psalm 37:7-9

Have you ever been angry? Like really really angry. How about angry when you are trying so hard to do the right thing and everyone else around you is doing the opposite, yet still succeeding and being rewarded? Our world, our culture, rewards those who succeed, no matter how they do it. It is discouraging, right? Disheartening? Frustrating? All of the above? 


A few days ago, one of my friends reminded me of Psalm 37:7-9...

 ⁷ Be still before the LORD
   and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
   when they carry out their wicked schemes.
 ⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
   do not fret—it leads only to evil. ⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
   but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

Dang... See, I so easily forgot that God is in control. We seem to easily forget that too much and too often. Fretting, worrying, obsessing over the actions of others is exactly what Satan wants for us in our lives. Because if we are doing that, we are unable to fulfill the very life that God has planned for us. And that life He has planned is more than we could ever imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)

 I am so thankful that I serve a God who is in control and will deal with all things in the right time, according to His perfect will. 

wrecked.

Wrecked is a word the pretty much sums up life right now. Most people associate 'wrecked' with a bad connotation, however, I have never been so excited to be so broken. I have found that when we are at rock bottom, God does His very best work, and man... work is what He is doing on me.

As a young woman in college, I am tempted to find security in every single thing but the one place that can give me an unending supply. You name it, I have tried it... relationships, clothes, appearance, athletics, etc. Recently, God turned my life upside down and there has been nothing to place security in EXCEPT for Him. While it is still hard, and I am still learning, God is showing me that He is the only source of security and placing security in the hands of any other person or area of life will result in disappointment. Not because the other areas of life aren't "good," they just aren't my Savior and the One who created me for purposes I cannot even imagine.

"Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

blogging?

I must admit I never thought of myself as much of a blogger. Who cares what I have to say? Who would take the time to read it, anyway?

However true both of those questions may be, I'm viewing my blogging experience as an outlet, a type of therapy.

"Something unfathomable lies behind every thought ... something for which there aren't any words." -Peter Weiss 

This blog is me trying to put words to the unfathomable behind my thoughts.