Disappointment... other than never knowing how to spell that word and always wanting to put in an extra "s," disappointment it is my least favorite emotion of them all. I would much rather be scared, sad, angry, upset, mad, just anything other than disappointed. There is something about being disappointed that hurts a little worse than all those other emotions. It cuts a little deeper.
As a Christian that is always trying and usually failing to follow Christ every single day, I struggle often with feeling like I have disappointed God. That I have once again failed Him, failed in loving my neighbor, failed in turning the other check, and failed in putting Him first in my life. If you are human and anything like me, you have felt the same way- a disappointment before a Holy Savior.
But I heard something that other day that I can't seem to shake. I have thought about it almost daily since I heard it and I still can't seem to get my mind around it.
You have never disappointed God.
To which my response was, "Oh, I don't think you know some of the things I've done, said about people, wished on people, thought about people, etc. etc. etc." The list goes on, right?
But the more I thought about that statement the more I am realizing that it is true. True for me and true for you.
Think about what makes disappointment so painful. We are often most disappointed because someone did something that we didn't...expect. We didn't see it coming, we were caught off guard, surprised, shocked, thrown for a loop, blindsided. We are most hurt when it comes to disappointment because of the element of surprise.
Now think about the nature of our God. He has never not seen it coming, been caught off guard, surprised, shocked, thrown for a loop, or blindsided. Nothing that you or I do is going to shock Him. He actually knew everything about us, including our actions and choices, before He even made us. And the most amazing part... He made us anyway.
I know this is so hard for me to understand because I can't understand that kind of love. The kind of love that knows all the wrongs and chooses to love anyway, the kind of love that is unconditional and never gives up, the kind of love that casts out fear. That kind of love is so hard to get my mind around but it is the kind of love that He loves me with.
So, no matter what, you have never disappointed God. He is always there, He is constant, and He is love. His pursuit of us is so passionate and fierce and He longs for a relationship with us not based on our actions or feelings of "disappointment" but based on His unending and amazing grace.
For that, I am so incredibly thankful.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
"Well Done"... for my Grandma
My Grandma lost her battle with cancer a few weeks ago. Before she died, she asked that I speak at her funeral. Doing that was such an honor along with one of the hardest things I've ever done. Having her as a Grandma was one of the most amazing and joyful parts of my life. I am so thankful for her. This is what I shared at her funeral....
"I'll start by saying that there are no words that can adequately describe my Grandma in a way that could ever come close to describing the lady that she was and the impact she had on our family.
When I was little, my Grandma kept me while my parents were at work. We played games, watched TV, and we read books. We read a ton of books. I'm pretty sure that my Grandma is the reason I love to read so much now. She would come to my school and read to my class and much to my dismay all the other kids wanted to sit on her lap while she read. I often cried when this happened and told all the kids in my class that they couldn't sit with her because she was MY Grandma. Looking back it really is funny but in my first grade mind she was mine and no one else's. The last few days before my Grandma passed away, I had the honor of reading to her every single day. And even still, in my 21 year old mind, she was mine and no one else's.
My Grandma had a heart for other people. I never heard a harsh word out of her mouth or a negative comment. She lived to serve others. When Garrett and I were little, Grandma could have owned stock in pancake mix and in ice cream. However many pancakes we wanted was what we got and if I wanted to sit and eat an entire gallon of vanilla ice cream in one sitting (which I did on more than one occasion) that was fine too. Miraculously, there were always pancakes and there was always ice cream. She loved me and Garrett so much and we loved her.
I didn't ever leave her house without her telling me, "Hannah, pretty is as pretty does." Most of the time I shook my head and smiled not really understanding until I was a little older. See, my Grandma knew and understood that a pretty heart was much more valuable than how pretty the outside may be. A heart for Jesus and a heart chasing after Jesus was what she thought was pretty and the older I got the more I started to see how truly beautiful my Grandma was.
One day last week, I was sitting by her bed watching a ball game with her when she grabbed my hand, looked at me and said, "Hannah, I'm going to miss you so much, I just wish I could have lived a better life and set a better example." I looked in disbelief at the woman I'd admired for 21 years as the Godliest woman I knew thinking she cannot be serious. But what she said next took my breath away. She looked up at me and said, "I am just so thankful that Jesus loved me enough to save me." I smiled and told her how amazing of a woman she was and how perfect of an example she had been for me. But what my Grandma said last, about being thankful that Jesus saved her, perfectly sums up her life.
No matter what life threw at her, her life constantly proclaimed the goodness of her God. Cancer could not touch her love for Jesus and in a time where it was incredibly difficult, she showed me Jesus, just like she had every other day of her life.
I heard a sermon once by Pastor Dan Lian titled, "Well Done." He started the message with a simple phrase: "Only one thing will matter- Did I life life to serve the purposes of Jesus in such a way to render the words 'Well Done' from Him?"
There is no doubt in my mind that when Grandma met her Jesus Thursday morning, He took her cancer free body into his arms and said, 'Well Done.'"
When I was little, my Grandma kept me while my parents were at work. We played games, watched TV, and we read books. We read a ton of books. I'm pretty sure that my Grandma is the reason I love to read so much now. She would come to my school and read to my class and much to my dismay all the other kids wanted to sit on her lap while she read. I often cried when this happened and told all the kids in my class that they couldn't sit with her because she was MY Grandma. Looking back it really is funny but in my first grade mind she was mine and no one else's. The last few days before my Grandma passed away, I had the honor of reading to her every single day. And even still, in my 21 year old mind, she was mine and no one else's.
My Grandma had a heart for other people. I never heard a harsh word out of her mouth or a negative comment. She lived to serve others. When Garrett and I were little, Grandma could have owned stock in pancake mix and in ice cream. However many pancakes we wanted was what we got and if I wanted to sit and eat an entire gallon of vanilla ice cream in one sitting (which I did on more than one occasion) that was fine too. Miraculously, there were always pancakes and there was always ice cream. She loved me and Garrett so much and we loved her.
I didn't ever leave her house without her telling me, "Hannah, pretty is as pretty does." Most of the time I shook my head and smiled not really understanding until I was a little older. See, my Grandma knew and understood that a pretty heart was much more valuable than how pretty the outside may be. A heart for Jesus and a heart chasing after Jesus was what she thought was pretty and the older I got the more I started to see how truly beautiful my Grandma was.
One day last week, I was sitting by her bed watching a ball game with her when she grabbed my hand, looked at me and said, "Hannah, I'm going to miss you so much, I just wish I could have lived a better life and set a better example." I looked in disbelief at the woman I'd admired for 21 years as the Godliest woman I knew thinking she cannot be serious. But what she said next took my breath away. She looked up at me and said, "I am just so thankful that Jesus loved me enough to save me." I smiled and told her how amazing of a woman she was and how perfect of an example she had been for me. But what my Grandma said last, about being thankful that Jesus saved her, perfectly sums up her life.
No matter what life threw at her, her life constantly proclaimed the goodness of her God. Cancer could not touch her love for Jesus and in a time where it was incredibly difficult, she showed me Jesus, just like she had every other day of her life.
I heard a sermon once by Pastor Dan Lian titled, "Well Done." He started the message with a simple phrase: "Only one thing will matter- Did I life life to serve the purposes of Jesus in such a way to render the words 'Well Done' from Him?"
There is no doubt in my mind that when Grandma met her Jesus Thursday morning, He took her cancer free body into his arms and said, 'Well Done.'"
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